Doing the best in this moment puts you in the best place for the next moment.
-fortune cookie **
I've sat down to write this post no less than thirty times in the past month and a half. And every time I just start crying and can't finish. But today I'm going to finish it. For myself. And for my sanity.
October 23rd, Day 3 - We're home! And the first (and so far, only) time I've felt like a total failure as a mama.
8:30pm - With tears streaming down my face, I paced back & forth in the kitchen for over an hour deciding whether or not to open the sample box of Similac sent to us over 3 months ago. When it came in the mail I was slightly insulted. I'm going to breastfeed... no need for formula here. But I packed away that sample box, knowing in the back of my mind that as much as I wanted to nurse my sweet baby, it might not work.
And so I caved. I pulled out the bottles that were packed away in the back of Trevor's closet, and I mixed 2oz of formula. And I fed my screaming baby. My baby that hadn't slept since we left the hospital earlier that day. My baby that would nurse for 20 minutes on each side and still be rooting around like he was starved to death. My baby that caused such excruciating pain to my breasts that I cried during every single feeding.
And I felt like a failure. I know deep in my head, and my heart, that I'm not a failure. And feeding my baby formula does not make me a bad mother. But knowing that doesn't make that sinking feeling in my gut any less painful.
And so now we are a formula feeding family. And six weeks later, I'm kinda okay with it. Kinda. Sorta. Who am I kidding? It's sucks. But we're working through it. And the most important thing is a happy baby & a happy mama. And that's what we are... finally.
Turns out my milk never came in. Even after 2 weeks of pumping. Pumping so much it turned into a full time job. Even after Mother's Milk Tea by the gallon. After all of it... I still had no milk.
But my boy is thriving on formula. And that's what matters.
** I opened this fortune cookie just minutes after putting my sleeping boy down after his first formula bottle. And I cried. I cried harder than I have every cried before. And I knew I had done the right thing.
3 comments:
I had a very similar problem when Pnut was born. I had milk, but not enough. We went to formula as well - it wasn't easy, and there were times I complained because of the expense, but it was for the best thing. She's healthy and happy and everything that children should be.
You did the right thing. You are not a failure. You are a mother who wants the best for your handsome little son.
You don't know me but I've been following your blog... this post touched me personally... I've gone through the same experience and same feelings. Just know you are not alone...I promise it gets easier. I tried SO hard for 6 weeks with my first but in the end it wasn't worth it for the 1/2 ounce I could pump/BF. Same thing with my second but this time around acceptance is much easier. You're doing the right thing and congratulations on your beautiful boy!
Okay, I somehow totally missed this post. I went back and was reading your Target post and suddenly I found this one. Oh MY, could I have written this myself a little over a year ago!
I was one of those soon-to-be mamas who said, "I will breastfeed." "My son will be breastfed." I never even did any research on formula or asked anyone about it because that is how committed I was to BF. I never ever thought in a million years that we would have all the problems we did.
Our son had severe jaundice, which after lasting three weeks was diagnosed as Breastmilk Jaundice. He either screamed bloody murder at the slightest view of my breast or decided to be in a coma every time it was time for a feeding session. I nearly killed myself trying to get it to work. I cried so many tears during that first month. Let's just say I was definitely making more tears than milk! Too bad tears isn't what he needed, lol!
I finally gave in a little over a month and I've never cried so hard over any decision in my life. I felt like the biggest failure as a mother and to tell you the truth I still feel pangs of jealousy and hurt when I hear other mothers talking about it. I still feel like the whole situation wasn't fair.
For the most part though I am okay with my decision. The angst and worry was lifted when we decided once and for all to put the dreaded pump away and formula feed. My son is healthy, happy and thriving! He rarely gets sick and is the joy of my life.
Right now, I could tell you that's all that matters. But I know it still probably hurts you. I know because I've been through the exact same thing.
Just wanted to let you know that there are lots of moms out there that had to make that decision for their babies. I was one of them and am ultimately glad I did no matter how difficult and emotional that decision was.
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